6 Tips for Handling Family Conflict During the Holidays

With the holidays approaching, you might be worried about navigating difficult conversations with some of your relatives. Perhaps there are certain topics that you’ve disagreed about in the past. Maybe you’ve been frustrated with the behavior of some of your family members lately.

But despite these issues, you still plan to spend time with your family this holiday season. You might want to see some of your relatives despite feeling animosity towards other relatives, or you may have made commitments to see your parents and siblings, which will inevitably involve seeing other family members, too. No matter your circumstances, here are some tips for handling family conflicts with a level-headed approach over the holidays.

1. Decide Which Gatherings to Attend

Even if you do plan to spend some time with your family over the holidays, you may not need to attend every single family gathering. Consider whether or not there are a couple of get-togethers that you could skip. Make sure to decline the invitations in advance, rather than deciding not to attend on short notice. This makes it easier for the host to prepare.

2. Determine Your Boundaries in Advance

Before attending a gathering, take some time to think about your boundaries. Think about which topics you’re willing to discuss. Consider which topics would prompt you to exit a conversation politely. This will help you avoid being dragged into conversations about subjects you know will ignite arguments.

3. Remember, There’s No “Winning”

Right now, you might be envisioning a holiday gathering with your family as a sort of battleground. But your goal is not to win debates or persuade anyone to your point of view. Instead, keep in mind that your only objective is to attend the gathering while avoiding conflicts and upholding your personal boundaries. There is nothing to “win” when it comes to family get-togethers over the holidays. It’s all about keeping your head held high, being polite, and maintaining your own boundaries.

4. Accept What You Can Control

You can’t control what people say to you at family gatherings. However, you can control your own reactions. If someone is rude to you, or asks you an inappropriate question, you do not have to respond in the same way. It’s well within your rights to change the subject, tell someone that you’d prefer to talk about something else, or even answer with a joke to break the tension and shift the focus. When you focus on what you can control, rather than what you can’t, you can let go of the pressure to “fix” the situation.

5. Know When to Exit Conversations

Consider what kinds of comments or actions would prompt you to exit a conversation before you show up at a gathering. Know which comments cross a line for you, and remind yourself that if someone takes the conversation in that direction, you do not have to keep participating. Instead, you can excuse yourself to greet someone else, get more food, or go to the restroom.

6. Plan for Self-Care

Decide how you’ll practice self-care when you return from a family gathering. Knowing that you have a relaxing activity to look forward to can help you keep your spirits up while you’re with your family. For example, you might want to make a mug of hot chocolate and get cozy on the couch while watching your favorite holiday movie. If you’re feeling stressed at the gathering, you’ll be able to anticipate unwinding in a few short hours.

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If you’re dreading the holidays because you're anticipating dealing with family conflicts, we encourage you to reach out to learn how family counseling can help you manage these situations with grace.